The Relationship Cure: a 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

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Nov ten, 2009 Cara rated information technology really liked it

Very interesting book about what makes relationships work or neglect to work. The premise is that relationships are built from bids for connection, which can exist anything from making a comment to inviting someone to lunch, requesting help, or touching someone. The other person in the human relationship tin can respond in one of three ways:
- turning toward the bid: responding in a way that conveys "I heard you, and I care," ranging from nodding or making a confront in agreement to a serious emotional response. Thi Very interesting book near what makes relationships work or fail to work. The premise is that relationships are congenital from bids for connection, which tin be annihilation from making a comment to inviting someone to lunch, requesting assistance, or touching someone. The other person in the relationship tin answer in i of three means:
- turning toward the bid: responding in a way that conveys "I heard you, and I care," ranging from nodding or making a face in agreement to a serious emotional response. This strengthens and builds the relationship. Humor is an important ingredient here, likewise.
- turning away from the bid: ignoring the bid, not responding, or changing the field of study. Sucks the energy out of the relationship--people give upwards very speedily and bid once more xx% or less
- turning against the bid: responding in a sarcastic, dismissive, or hostile way. Enough of this, the person will leave.

Sometimes people are vague or indirect in their bids to avoid being rejected, but this besides makes it harder for the other person to go the message.

Some things that ruin the bid/response process:
- being mindless rather than mindful (if you're not paying attention, information technology'due south easy to miss what the other person wants)
- starting on a sour note (ex. bid with an attack instead of a asking)
- using harmful criticism instead of helpful complaints (ex. You never telephone call me! vs. I wish you'd telephone call me more often--when I don't hear from you, I feel similar you don't care)
- flooding (besides much information or emotional stimulus => overwhelmed). if this happens, take a break, at-home down, and effort again after
- practicing a crabby state of mind -- look for things to be grateful for instead of everything that's incorrect in life
- avoiding the conversation y'all need to take. If you lot find your relationship has a lot of conflict, look at what isn't being discussed. Approach it from an intent to self-disclose and connect. (ex. I'g feeling x [then talk nigh it:])

Your balance of emotional command centers (and the other person'south) also play a role here.
-Commander in chief: wants to run things, control, have action.
- Explorer: discovery, exploration, seeking, learning
- Sensualist: amour, arousal, sex, excitement, pleasance
- Free energy Czar: monitors need for free energy, rest, relaxation, food, practice
- Jester: recreation, diversion, play, joking, games, brand-believe
- Sentry: defence, vigilance, prevention, safety
- Nest-Builder: affiliation, bonding, zipper, amore, nurturing

Ex. when explorer hits the route with spotter, conflict is probable. If you can exist aware of this, you lot can work around it.

(I scored very low commander in chief, high explorer and jester, and very high sensualist.)

When conflict arises, it helps to run across both people as idealists and discover out what the greater goal the person really wants is to come up upwards with a solution that volition work for both.

Having rituals together can help strengthen bonds.

...more than

Sep 04, 2007 Ken Householder rated information technology it was amazing

Recommends it for: humans.

This book is near relationships and fostering understanding of emotions in yourself and others. Gottman lays it all out so intuitively that there is no question whether or not he is accurate. It's like an owners transmission for people. I wish I would accept read information technology 10 years ago...

This is one of the very few books that I'grand going to proceed equally a reference. About of the time I can read and absorb all of the content from a volume and sell it, requite information technology abroad, whatever. But, the excercises and materials in this boo

This volume is about relationships and fostering understanding of emotions in yourself and others. Gottman lays information technology all out so intuitively that there is no question whether or not he is accurate. Information technology's similar an owners manual for people. I wish I would have read information technology ten years ago...

This is one of the very few books that I'yard going to keep as a reference. Most of the time I tin read and absorb all of the content from a book and sell information technology, give information technology away, any. Just, the excercises and materials in this book volition secure it a place on my shelf indefinitely. I've already got it tabbed upward like a cookbook.

...more

Aug 12, 2012 Becca rated information technology it was amazing

Ah, John Gottman. Such wonderful inquiry, such terrible titles.

Anyway, I already had to return this volume to the library so I can only give you my impressions-- as my sister says, "the spaghetti that'south stuck to the wall." So hither goes:

Interactions involve people making "bids" for attention, affection, connection. When nosotros respond successfully to others' bids, we are able to make strong and resilient relationships at habitation, work, schoolhouse.

When someone makes a bid, you can respond either past turning t

Ah, John Gottman. Such wonderful research, such terrible titles.

Anyway, I already had to return this volume to the library so I tin only requite yous my impressions-- every bit my sister says, "the spaghetti that'south stuck to the wall." So hither goes:

Interactions involve people making "bids" for attention, affection, connection. When nosotros respond successfully to others' bids, we are able to make potent and resilient relationships at home, work, schoolhouse.

When someone makes a bid, you can respond either by turning toward the bid and making that connection, or by turning away from the bid by ignoring information technology, or by turning against it past turning information technology into a chance to fight.

So simple, correct? Like Gottman's other books, the elementary information is challenging to assimilate. I had to wait at myself and realize how much turning abroad I practise. And although I felt a little like an evil psychological mastermind, when I intentionally made bids and responded by turning toward bids at work-- wow. The sense of camaraderie and connexion was palpable within a mean solar day or 2.

So although reading Gottman's wonderfully empirical research can be uncomfortable, his suggestions for successful relationships are marvelously applicable.

...more

Jan 14, 2013 Adam rated information technology liked it

I'm not well-versed in the cocky-help/relationship genre, so I don't take much to compare this with. I found it to have its good and bad points.

First, the skilful: I think the exercises throughout this volume would be quite helpful simply for directing one's thoughts most interactions inside a relationship and how they can be improved. This alone merits the three stars.

The bad: Some of the language in this book grates on me. Why must Gottman utilise the give-and-take "bid" for attempts at emotional connectedness? Th

I'thousand not well-versed in the self-help/relationship genre, so I don't have much to compare this with. I constitute information technology to have its expert and bad points.

First, the skilful: I think the exercises throughout this book would be quite helpful only for directing one'southward thoughts nigh interactions within a relationship and how they can be improved. This lone merits the 3 stars.

The bad: Some of the language in this volume grates on me. Why must Gottman use the word "bid" for attempts at emotional connexion? That'southward a term of commerce, and I find information technology dehumanizing in its use hither, just every bit his names for personality types often bothered me. "Energy Czar" indeed.

He also could take used a better editor. in some cases his hypothetical situations are excessive; he makes his point but keeps going for a few more paragraphs. And he has a tendency to mention studies without whatsoever proper citation; for all I know, he's just making all of this up to bolster his own conclusions.

...more

Aug 17, 2011 Paula rated it information technology was amazing

Dr. John Gottman's enquiry on successful marriages at his laboratory at the University of Washington blazed new trails in the realm of psychology. With the publication of his seminal work The Seven Principles for Making Union Work, Gottman literally wrote the book on how to relieve failing marriages. Every relationship book written since that pivotal text has been heavily influenced by Gottman'due south research.

It has been my experience that authors who observe successful psychological techniques 10

Dr. John Gottman'southward research on successful marriages at his laboratory at the Academy of Washington blazed new trails in the realm of psychology. With the publication of his seminal piece of work The Vii Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman literally wrote the volume on how to save failing marriages. Every human relationship book written since that pivotal text has been heavily influenced by Gottman's research.

It has been my feel that authors who observe successful psychological techniques tend to spin out a succession of books which are essentially clones of their original work. However, Gottman continues to bonfire new trails in his research, and in each new text he offers his latest findings for our enrichment.

In The Human relationship Cure: A five Stride Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family and Friendships, Gottman offers a simple programme for improving our communication skills in our various relationships. Though elementary in theory, each step could accept a lifetime to principal.

The v steps include:

-Recognizing and responding appropriately to Bids for Connectedness
-Recognizing human Command Systems and how they influence behavior
-Looking into your past for the origins of your behaviors
-Correctly identifying emotions in others
-Finding a shared meaning in life

In the kickoff step, Gottman introduces the concept of "Bids for Connection." The author admits that these petty, pocket-size bids for attention seemed unimportant to him early on in his research. Nevertheless, he constitute, over time, that a major key to recognizing a salubrious relationship was to be found in the manner in which couples offered and responded to these bids. Gottman explains how to recognize these bids in both self and others, whether they are offered in a negative or a positive style, and provides the reader with insight into how to respond appropriately. To my mind, this insight alone was worth the cost of the book.

The 2nd footstep seemed as astounding to me. Gottman identifies the systems within our physiology, and explains how these have a profound impact on human psychology. A healthy homo responds to each of these human needs without letting it have over their life. Withal, private life experience tin brand a person favor a detail Control System, and become exaggerated in their dependence upon it. Our ain unique alloy of responses to our Command Systems will determine major aspects of our personality. Recognizing these needs in others can help u.s.a. to relate with their needs better, and so ameliorate our relationship with fifty-fifty the nearly extremely distorted personality.

The third step seemed to me, at showtime, to be a rehashing of a classic psychological concept, since Freud, over a century ago, introduced the thought that our past relationship with our parents influences our nowadays beliefs. Still, Gottman gives even this familiar footing a unique spin. He has classified the way that parents create a culture in a family which influences how the expression of emotions is treated. His brief sketches of these different cultures create recognizable pictures. Nosotros take all encountered these responses in our dealings with our boyfriend human beings. Gottman then goes further to share his research findings that indicate that one of these cultural responses to emotion produces a healthier more successful child. The author and so offers basic guidelines to achieve this healthier culture in your own family.

The fourth pace involves learning about emotional expressions, how to recognize them in their various manifestations. This department is full of exercises to amend your skills in this area. Gottman offers his own life experiences as illustrations of key principles, as well as the findings of various psychologists, so that the reader obtains a wide scope of understanding about how emotions are communicated.

The fifth step covers familiar footing for those who take read Gottman'south 7 Principles. Uncovering the dreams and ideals that guide u.s., and learning to share these, will help deepen any human relationship. In addition, the institution of relationship rituals and traditions helps to ground these dreams in our daily lives. The author once more offers exercises that will bring out our latent dreams, and assist us to identify other people'southward dreams also. He also offers scenarios that reveal how hidden ethics are frequently expressed through conflicts. Getting to the basis of these conflicts tin can help united states of america to motion beyond them to more meaningful interactions.

If there is a weakness in this volume, it is that the writer covers an enormous amount of ground in just a few hundred pages. Each section could easily have been expanded into an unabridged book. A less knowledgeable writer probably would take done then, but Gottman has a lot of insight to unfold and he doesn't waste words explaining the key communication techniques.

I highly recommended this book to anyone seeking to amend their relationships. And, frankly, who isn't?

...more

Mar 19, 2019 Mehrsa rated information technology it was astonishing

I honey Gottman's books because his communication is and so practical and his view of relationships and marriage is pretty realistic and unromantic. You lot need to accept the bids of your colleagues, friends, and spouse. You take to make time for these relationships. That was my biggest takeaway, merely there are many more. I think I volition read a Gottman book every year and brand sure I am not existence a jerk to the people I love. I dear Gottman'due south books because his advice is and then practical and his view of relationships and marriage is pretty realistic and unromantic. You need to accept the bids of your colleagues, friends, and spouse. You lot accept to brand time for these relationships. That was my biggest takeaway, but there are many more than. I recall I volition read a Gottman volume every year and make sure I am not being a jerk to the people I love. ...more

Interesting read. Stories were simple and like shooting fish in a barrel to understand. Got into this volume considering of a section in Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink" in which he claimed Gottman'due south research immune researchers to predict human relationship outcomes with near certainty with just minutes of observation. I was thinking that it would accept some magical formula in which if people curled their lip or moved their eyebrows a certain style and TADA!! You knew they were perfect or doomed. But later on reading the book, information technology simply made goo Interesting read. Stories were simple and easy to understand. Got into this book considering of a section in Malcolm Gladwell'southward "Blink" in which he claimed Gottman's research allowed researchers to predict human relationship outcomes with near certainty with just minutes of observation. I was thinking that it would have some magical formula in which if people curled their lip or moved their eyebrows a sure fashion and TADA!! You knew they were perfect or doomed. Merely after reading the book, information technology just fabricated good old normal sense. I liked the bones concept the of the "Bid" every bit well every bit the basic reactions to the bid with "Turning Towards", "Turning Against" and "Turning Away". It fabricated a lot of sense and gave me a way to recognize and verbalize in my mind these parts of my own social interactions. One thing that I would have idea would exist pretty awesome was if he discussed strategies that got people that had habits of turning against and turning abroad to start plough towards without knowing this book equally I know people that seem to do that out of habit without malicious intent. I tin can try to turn towards people, but I'd be a glutton for penalization if I was the only one doing it and couldn't influence others to reciprocate with the same skill set. ...more

A great resource, bad title. Gottman, as always, backs up each segment with solid inquiry. The beauty of this book is that Gottman doesn't limit the research and resources to marriage, simply gives insightful tools and insight for all different kinds of relationship - matrimony, parent/kid, siblings, friendships, and coworkers. There are exercises and usable inventories for individuals, and they would be swell resources for mental health professionals as well. I wish they would practise a 2nd editio A corking resources, bad title. Gottman, every bit always, backs upward each segment with solid research. The beauty of this book is that Gottman doesn't limit the inquiry and resources to wedlock, just gives insightful tools and insight for all different kinds of relationship - marriage, parent/child, siblings, friendships, and coworkers. There are exercises and usable inventories for individuals, and they would exist great resources for mental health professionals likewise. I wish they would do a second edition of this volume and update the print. At the gamble of sounding onetime, it's excessively small and compact. But, it'due south worth the eyesight effort. ...more

Jan xv, 2018 Melody rated it it was amazing

At kickoff, I was very hesitant about this book due to its "cheesy" title, simply once I started it, I couldn't stop reading. This book should be read by everyone regardless of how they feel about their current relationships; no later if they are single or in a relationship. This book has incredibly valuable information and practical tips on how we tin better communicate with others- at work, at dwelling house, with strangers, etc. A gen of a book! At first, I was very hesitant about this book due to its "cheesy" title, just once I started it, I couldn't stop reading. This book should be read past everyone regardless of how they feel about their current relationships; no later on if they are single or in a human relationship. This volume has incredibly valuable information and practical tips on how we can ameliorate communicate with others- at work, at home, with strangers, etc. A gen of a book! ...more

Feb 24, 2013 Chiara rated it really liked information technology

I idea some of the concepts here were really useful, peculiarly the one about "bidding." I thought some of the concepts here were really useful, particularly the ane almost "bidding." ...more

Very helpful and practical tips for any relationship. Simple only profound with great examples and exercises within!

Aug 20, 2007 Bernard rated it liked information technology

I picked up this book not because I take detail trouble with relationships but considering I immensely enjoyed the first book of Gottman's that I read (Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Kid). As such, I found the book to exist a bit uninteresting at times and, admittedly, I could not bring myself to finish the book. That said, I still rate this book a "3" because it has great insights into the basic building block of relationships (the "bid"), and I am a much better person because of information technology. I at present h I picked up this book not because I accept particular problem with relationships simply because I immensely enjoyed the first book of Gottman's that I read (Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Kid). Equally such, I found the book to be a chip uninteresting at times and, admittedly, I could not bring myself to finish the book. That said, I notwithstanding rate this book a "3" considering it has great insights into the bones edifice block of relationships (the "bid"), and I am a much better person because of it. I at present accept a better agreement of my ain past and upbringing.

As usual, Gottman'due south work is backed up by his extensive and thorough clinical work. In that location are LOTS of exercises in the book that, depending on your own personal situation, you volition find either extremely useful and relevant, or boring, pointless, and annoying. I still feel Gottman is a very skillful writer with very interesting things to say.

...more

May 05, 2019 Billy Young rated it actually liked information technology

The main takeaway for me is the definition of the 'emotional bid' (of putting a piece of yourself out there looking for someone to engage positively), and the observations of turning toward, turning against, and turning abroad every bit the possible responses. The remaining portions of the book are how to bid effectively (account for factors similar ECS/personality, emotional history, personal ideals/dreams).
Emotional command systems have some overlap with the Enneagram system simply too some distinguishing f The main takeaway for me is the definition of the 'emotional bid' (of putting a piece of yourself out there looking for someone to appoint positively), and the observations of turning toward, turning confronting, and turning away as the possible responses. The remaining portions of the book are how to bid effectively (business relationship for factors similar ECS/personality, emotional history, personal ethics/dreams).
Emotional command systems have some overlap with the Enneagram system only also some distinguishing factors (ECS is more basic/actual).

Lots of practiced exercises to endeavor out. Comes from a very therapy-like place, every bit the author also does therapy.
Note: studies he referenced are quite dated (equally the book itself came out in 2001)

...more than

Dec 17, 2013 Jennie rated it liked it

If I could rate this book based just on the showtime third, I would give it v stars. The premise of the book is that we all make bids and the fashion our partners answer to them had a strong impact on the quality of the relationship. (See every other goodreads review and an inevitable upcoming blog post for more details.)

Simply every bit with and then many therapy books, everything later the beginning felt repetitive, which made information technology challenging to urge myself to pick up the volume 1 I made it past the meaty part.

Stil

If I could charge per unit this volume based just on the showtime third, I would requite it five stars. The premise of the book is that we all make bids and the mode our partners respond to them had a strong impact on the quality of the relationship. (See every other goodreads review and an inevitable upcoming blog mail service for more details.)

Simply as with so many therapy books, everything after the beginning felt repetitive, which made it challenging to urge myself to pick upward the book 1 I made it past the compact part.

Still, the theories are solid. Highly worth the while of anyone looking to increment their understanding of communication in relationships.

...more

I experience like this book should be mandatory reading for adulthood. It discusses emotional connections, or bids, in every type of adult relationship: romantic, friendships, adult siblings, parent-children, and coworkers. The way we respond to those bids is the ground of our emotional communication with i another, and is impacted by our upbringing besides every bit by our genetic disposition (the 7 emotional sections of the encephalon). A fascinating book, very well-written and total non just of great facts and I experience like this book should be mandatory reading for machismo. It discusses emotional connections, or bids, in every blazon of adult relationship: romantic, friendships, adult siblings, parent-children, and coworkers. The mode we answer to those bids is the basis of our emotional communication with one another, and is impacted by our upbringing as well every bit past our genetic disposition (the 7 emotional sections of the brain). A fascinating book, very well-written and full not merely of great facts and advice but practical exercises as well. I'll definitely exist reading this one again to refresh the information I learned here! ...more than

Feb 15, 2019 Marianna rated it information technology was astonishing

iv.5 stars. Adept info. I would suggest reading this in conjunction with Marshall B. Rosenberg'southward Irenic Communication: A Language of Life. 4.5 stars. Good info. I would propose reading this in conjunction with Marshall B. Rosenberg'southward Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. ...more

Jun nineteen, 2021 Amanda rated it information technology was amazing

Based on his years of scientific research, John Gottman has concised his findings about edifice and maintaining good relationships in this volume. This is non the commencement book I'm reading past this author, and it will non exist the concluding. I take acquire so much from him. What he has shared has given me such bully insights near the relationships I have with those around me and how I tin meliorate them. I absolutely recommend this author and his works.

Gottman is always skilful; I love reading about his research!

This is my second John Gottman book. It was not as good or as easy to get through every bit The 7 Principles for Making Matrimony Work, merely it was nonetheless good overall.
My main complaint (not criticism, haha) is that the last 100 pages of the book were very repetitive, with "sibling", "parent", "coworker", "partner" and "friend" substituted into the same batch of questions over and over once more in each separate department. The last 100 pages of the book were hardest to go through, and the book was dragging on This is my second John Gottman book. It was not as proficient or every bit easy to get through every bit The 7 Principles for Making Matrimony Piece of work, but it was notwithstanding good overall.
My principal complaint (non criticism, haha) is that the last 100 pages of the book were very repetitive, with "sibling", "parent", "coworker", "partner" and "friend" substituted into the same batch of questions over and again in each divide section. The terminal 100 pages of the book were hardest to get through, and the volume was dragging on by that point. It besides felt like a way longer book than 312 pages, probably because the volume is kind of tall and so the pages are longer. I thought I'd be able to get through the book on my two trips this summer (~10 hours of driving), simply I concluded upward not reading as much and when I did I didn't go through this very quickly.

My review volition get through some of the main concepts, important exercises, pages and quotes.

Chief Concepts of This Book
one. Emotional Bids
2. Emotional Command Systems
3. Emotional History
4. Communication
v. Discover shared significant

BIDS
"Kids expect to their mothers and fathers for emotional cues. They demand their parents to validate their feelings and guide them. When parents fail to practice this, kids begin to doubt themselves. They begin to feel lonely in their emotions, internalizing bug and wondering, 'What's wrong with me that I experience this way?'" (47).

People rarely re-bid in one case their bids for connection take been rejected or ignored (47).

"[T]he more people turn abroad from 1 another, the more disharmonize they'll have to argue with afterwards on. But the more than they plow toward each other's bids, the less contentious their relationships volition be." (49)

Anna/Frank example (48)
"Adults in the family don't hateful to neglect their kids or crusade them impairment, just they're so consumed by their own problems that every interaction with their kids amounts to telling them to be quiet or go away. The trouble is, kids are designed past nature to get developed attention any style they tin--even if that means becoming increasingly rebellious or belligerent. And so they do..." (48).

EMOTIONAL Command SYSTEMS
Are: Commander-in-Chief, Nest-Architect, Sensualist, Scout, Jester, Energy Czar, Explorer
Starts on page 100-120
Questionnaires to discover out which systems are ascendant in your life/personality, which you want more or less of in your life
This section was overall proficient, but some of the questions were done really desperately. (He needs a survey designer lol)
For case, the Jester system (115)
If you charge per unit these depression (scale: strongly hold to strongly disagree), then your overall score for jester will exist lower even if that's completely inaccurate
"Farting sounds are funny"
"I tin imagine enjoying prancing around like a horse"
"Puns are delightful to me"
"I similar poking fun at pompous people"
"I accept enjoyed rolling downwardly a colina and laughing" (oddly specific)

(view spoiler)[Okay randomly, WTF was this
Sensualist vs. Picket
Failed connection
LOVER A (Sentry): Wait! End! I've got to get the condom!
LOVER B (Sensualist): Oh jeez, do nosotros have to?
LOVER A (Spotter): Aye. I'chiliad more careful than you, but don't worry. I've got lots of ways to continue it interesting. (131)
🤮, Honestly the original exchange--where Lover A said "Look, if it's too much trouble for you lot, I'm not interested"--was perfectly fine. Not wearing a safe can be corruption or simply stupid. There was no bid for connexion from Lover B saying "Oh jeez, do nosotros have to?". It's not on Lover A to accept to brand things "interesting" because Lover A wants to be protected from pregnancy and STDs. (hide spoiler)]

The good thing is, you lot can do the questionnaires without taking the scores too seriously and just kind of find out what you want more/less of in your life, what areas need more/less energy spent on them, what management you want to go in in the future vs. where y'all are right now. Some of the things you discover may be surprising or just bringing things you already knew somewhere to your immediate attention. This section (with your own work & modify) can exist inspiring to put your life in a new management, and aim to exist spending your free energy in areas that feel skillful and non tiring.

EMOTIONAL HISTORY
Includes Emotional History (140-144) and Philosophy of Emotion (145)
Issue with the Philosophy of Emotion: style too simplified. Gottman acts like there is one dominant system for each family, when in reality parents can be full opposites, parents tin can Non adhere to 1 system strictly, etc. Plus, there were simply four systems (coaching, dismissing, laissez-faire and disapproving) when again, in reality, at that place are more than. The idea was good but the execution needs improvement.

COMMUNICATION
This section was deadening at times, probably because the nonverbal advice section wasn't very revolutionary for me.
Yet, i of the most interesting things Gottman drew attention to was metaphorical figures of speech communication. He suggested a helpful tip, to effort to incorporate others' interests into the metaphors you utilize with them. I recall this is actually a really good idea, worth trying.
"If your son is interested in the natural earth, for instance, talk to him nigh cleaning his room in terms of maintaining a salubrious "ecosystem". If your dominate loves baseball, permit him know that you're gear up to 'stride up to the plate' on the next project, and that you really promise he'll 'go to bat' for your next raise... Noticing and adopting others' metaphors helps yous build a smooth, intimate connection. Metaphorically speaking, you're 'both on the same page'." (197)

LISTENING
1. Focus on existence interested in the other person, not interesting yourself
ii. Start by asking questions
3. Enquire questions most people's goals and visions of the time to come
4. Look for commonalities
five. Tune in with all your attention
And: answer with occasional brief nod/sound, occasionally paraphrase what speaker says, eye contact, allow become of your own calendar (199)

The Emotional Communication Game is where Gottman provides i sentence with three potential meanings (in summary, the options are pretty much ever either:
A) Positive
B) Negative
C) No connotation, asking literally to detect out information)

Example: "Are you lot going to clean your room?
A. Pleasantly surprised considering your kid is spontaneously starting cleaning
B. You've asked your child to clean the room many times, have been ignored and at present yous're aroused.
C. You think it'south time for the room to be cleaned, this is a gentle reminder. (203)

This is very repetitive throughout the concluding i/3 of the book, simply the point it brings up is to make sure y'all know what you and others are communicating through sentences as such, and maybe encourage to exist more than specific/articulate.

APPLY
Child/Parent Connexion
1. Take your time--kids process feelings slower than adults do.
ii. Be prepared for emotional honesty from your kids
iii. Country your goals clearly when yous make a bid for connection.
Worse endeavour:
DAD: Want to go bowling?
JEREMY: Nah, I'd rather read my Harry Potter volume right now.

Ameliorate endeavor:
DAD: I haven't seen much of you this week. Would you similar to practise something together this weekend? Nosotros could go bowling. What practice you recall?
JEREMY: I'chiliad reading my book correct now. Can we do it tomorrow?
DAD: Sure. Let'due south practice it subsequently lunch tomorrow.
JEREMY: Peachy! (245)

4. Apply your child's expression of feelings as an opportunity for intimacy or teaching. When your child opens up to you with expression of fear, sadness or anger, try to validate those feelings by maxim that you sympathise why he or she might feel this way. Then work with your child to solve the problem that'southward causing the sadness, acrimony or fear. (245)

6. Discover, validate and proper name your child's emotions. Aid your child find words for what they are feeling. Without dismissing, you can offer some guidance on how to cope.
7. Ready limits on misbehaviour. As child psychologist Haim Ginott taught, all emotions are adequate, some behaviours are not. (246).

Important Pages to notation

Criticism vs. Complaint (73)
How to complain:
State your needs without attacking or blaming the other person. Case: "I need your help with the kids on weekends. Merely for the past three Saturdays, you've been playing golf." (vs.: "All you ever think about is golf! You never think about me and the kids. What'south wrong with yous?")

Depict your side as your perception, not the 'absolute truth'. Example: "When you don't respond to my e-mail, I feel like you don't care near our projection."

Flooding (75-76)
[Emotional] flooding occurs when you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Things that fix you off or "trigger" you tin cause flooding. Questions to consider:
Are there particular words, deportment or topics that seem to trigger you?
How are upsetting subjects introduced into your conversations?
Does either person bring these upwardly in a harsh way? If then, are in that location ways yous could introduce these subjects so you might stay calmer?
Does either person tend to "store up" bug and attempt to deal with them all at once?
What signals tin you develop for when either of y'all feels flooded?

Three Choices in a Conflict: (83)
1. Attack and Defend (Blame the other person'southward faults or inadequacies, lash out and drive them away)
ii. Avert or Deny. (Minimize your negative feelings virtually the problem)
three. Self-disclose and Connect. (Hash out how you feel near the trouble and work on common agreement)

Note: You can talk virtually your feelings without acting on them. Examples: "I feel so angry I want to yell at you." / "I feel so upset I want to go out." / "I feel so scared that I want to ignore this problem and pretend it will go away." (83)

Activities to Try
Love Map (same concept as seven Principles for Making Wedlock Work), pages 62-64
Analyzing Emotional Moments, pages 68-69

Exercises to Try
Give Me One Word, pages 76-77
Qualities to Praise & Appreciate, page 81
Labeling Emotions, page 192
For Parents: Plough Toward Your Kid(ren) with means to pay attention & things to do with your kid, pages 246-249. Honey map on 249-252.

Overall, I enjoyed the book and I would recommend it to others.

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Jan 28, 2012 Nimish rated information technology liked it

I idea this book's central idea was/is life-changing, only the delivery was so-and then.

Basically, the idea is that we're continuously making 'bids for connection' with others. This could be questions, words, actions, literally anything where we're, in part, saying "connect with me".

When we get such a bid, we can accept it, refuse it, or ignore it. Accepting makes the relationship stronger and happier. Rejecting makes the human relationship worse, but notwithstanding leaves it emotionally engaged. Ignoring makes th

I idea this book'due south central idea was/is life-changing, but the commitment was and then-and so.

Basically, the idea is that we're continuously making 'bids for connexion' with others. This could be questions, words, deportment, literally anything where we're, in part, saying "connect with me".

When we get such a bid, nosotros tin accept it, reject information technology, or ignore it. Accepting makes the relationship stronger and happier. Rejecting makes the relationship worse, but all the same leaves it emotionally engaged. Ignoring makes the relationship worse and less emotionally engaged.

Sometimes we get a bid for connection that's fastened to something irrelevant (eg "Do you lot like the cookies I fabricated?" yes-> you accept me, no -> you lot reject me). In that scenario, nosotros can say "I take you lot just reject the thing" (eg "I don't want the cookies, but you're smashing")

Understanding that people are basically doing this all the time and learning how to navigate it has changed the style I interact with people... merely, again, the volume itself is only kinda so-so, hence the low-ish rating.

Oh, and almost chiefly, this isn't just some author's pet theory. Everything in here is backed by inordinate amounts of science and even math and game theory. I've gone through some more than of Gottman's books and the foundations are incredibly thorough.

...more than

Nov 12, 2017 sohrella rated information technology really liked it

Wow, that was a good read. Maybe it'southward the fact that I'm reading this for a grade, but I honestly would have preferred if Gottman uses more than academic terms to describe theories. You know, only to look more "credible". Instead, it feels like whatever other (mediocre) self-help books I've read. I mean common, a love map?
Needless to say, this book deserves a 4.5. And knowing myself, I'll definitely go through the exercises and work things out with future relationships.
Wow, that was a practiced read. Maybe it's the fact that I'm reading this for a course, but I honestly would have preferred if Gottman uses more academic terms to draw theories. You know, just to look more than "credible". Instead, information technology feels similar any other (mediocre) self-help books I've read. I mean common, a honey map?
Needless to say, this book deserves a 4.5. And knowing myself, I'll definitely go through the exercises and piece of work things out with hereafter relationships.
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Jul 03, 2014 Rose rated it really liked it

I liked this book, and I think a lot of the communication in it is generally applicative to a lot of relationships, and probably will be very helpful to anybody who is interested in building stronger and more satisfying relationships with the people around them. This isn't just for romantic relationships, just includes things like coworkers, parent/kid, siblings, friends, etc. This volume will aid teach you to exist more aware of the means in which people attempt to connect to you, through the "bid" that the au I liked this book, and I think a lot of the advice in it is more often than not applicable to a lot of relationships, and probably volition be very helpful to anybody who is interested in building stronger and more satisfying relationships with the people around them. This isn't but for romantic relationships, but includes things like coworkers, parent/child, siblings, friends, etc. This volume will help teach yous to be more than aware of the means in which people endeavor to connect to you, through the "bid" that the author explains is the basic unit of building connections.

I recollect this is a keen book for anyone to read, and especially those who are struggling with difficult relationships in their lives. Information technology won't solve any big ticket major issues in a relationship, but it is more for building a healthy general mode of operations that helps to serve as a foundation when the large ticket things demand to be dealt with.

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Jul 18, 2016 Natalia rated information technology actually liked it

This is a very important book. It's essentially Emotional Intelligence 101 — the Dummies version — and I generally mean that in a very good fashion. I kind of wish everyone could read this volume. Since starting information technology, I have spontaneously practical something I accept learned from information technology practically every day, and I can see the deviation it makes in all sorts of man transactions and relationships.

That said, I'm not a fan of the writer's writing style. He'southward a bit of an over-analytical geek, he'southward a little also f

This is a very important volume. It's substantially Emotional Intelligence 101 — the Dummies version — and I more often than not mean that in a very good way. I kind of wish everyone could read this volume. Since starting it, I accept spontaneously applied something I take learned from it practically every solar day, and I tin see the difference it makes in all sorts of human transactions and relationships.

That said, I'm not a fan of the writer's writing fashion. He's a bit of an over-analytical geek, he's a little too fond of using himself as an case, and when he doesn't, he ofttimes uses examples with such stereotypical male/female roles it made me cringe. His tone is also decorous for my taste, and if anyone "acknowledged my bids" in exactly the sort of words he recommends in example after instance, I would most likely observe them insincere and exist suspicious. That'southward why four stars, non the 5 which the book claim in every other way.

Enthusiastically recommended, shortcomings notwithstanding.

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Jul 07, 2010 Christen rated information technology really liked it

I institute the idea of "bids" for interaction to be interesting. Information technology will make me more aware of when and how others are trying to connect. Every bit far as other parts of the book become, they may take resonated less because they seemed similar to personality testing and evaluations I take been forced to do in the corporate world. For those not exposed to, for example, the DISC system, at that place may be a greater degree of interest. The portion of the book relating to being in bear on or comfortable with various blazon I institute the idea of "bids" for interaction to be interesting. It will make me more aware of when and how others are trying to connect. Every bit far as other parts of the volume become, they may have resonated less considering they seemed like to personality testing and evaluations I have been forced to practice in the corporate world. For those not exposed to, for example, the DISC organisation, there may be a greater caste of interest. The portion of the book relating to existence in touch or comfortable with various types of emotions was interesting, but I didn't feel anything resonate with me right now. Good insights overall, and I may refer to this book again if I take ongoing conflicts with someone and can't identify a source. ...more than

May 09, 2014 Rosanna Chau rated it really liked it

I'thousand only a chapter in but I really similar the author's concept about how to enhance one's human relationship with others, be it parents, siblings, coworkers, significant others, by but reframing ane's request for emotional connexion, and learning how to respond to others' requests. Many 'miscommunication' issues, and occasions of feeling ignored, can be avoided past learning how to communicate one's needs. I likewise similar how he gives perspective on how one'due south family background and previous experiences can I'1000 only a chapter in but I really like the writer'south concept about how to enhance i's relationship with others, be it parents, siblings, coworkers, significant others, by only reframing 1's request for emotional connectedness, and learning how to respond to others' requests. Many 'miscommunication' issues, and occasions of feeling ignored, can be avoided by learning how to communicate ane's needs. I also similar how he gives perspective on how one'south family unit groundwork and previous experiences can affect how one "bids" for attending, and answers to others' "bids". I experience that in many cases, communication can exist enhanced if 1 has a agreement of where the other party is coming from, in terms of perspective and character. I am excited to learn more than from this book! ...more than

Jul 21, 2016 Andrew rated it really liked it

Even though I read other Gottman books, this volume had new material and covered a wider variety of topics: emotional bids (which are the basic unit of relationships), how to succeed in making and receiving bids to improve relationships, emotional command systems (which are archetypes of motivation such as nest building), emotional heritage, emotional communication (such equally facial expressions and metaphors), shared significant, rituals, and applications to a diverseness of relationship types. The importan Fifty-fifty though I read other Gottman books, this book had new fabric and covered a wider variety of topics: emotional bids (which are the basic unit of relationships), how to succeed in making and receiving bids to improve relationships, emotional command systems (which are archetypes of motivation such every bit nest building), emotional heritage, emotional advice (such as facial expressions and metaphors), shared pregnant, rituals, and applications to a multifariousness of relationship types. The importance of emotional bids and how to succeed in them clearly comes from Gottman'south enquiry and is the near similar to his other books, and anyone who diligently applies his communication tin can improve relationship with family, friends, and coworkers. ...more than

Mar 25, 2008 Vanessa rated it liked it

actually, i didnt actually cease this book. merely i think i'thousand done reading information technology for now. i could see myself coming back to it later. it just wasn't what i was looking for at the fourth dimension. but it's well written and information technology's interesting plenty. information technology'southward not dumbed down or patronizing.

it's for people who aren't very intuitive about what other people are thinking. and for people who are wrapped up in their ain feelings. or people who experience asunder from others and they don't know why.

mostly this book is rooted i

actually, i didnt actually stop this book. but i think i'one thousand done reading information technology for at present. i could come across myself coming back to it later. it just wasn't what i was looking for at the fourth dimension. merely information technology's well written and it's interesting enough. it's not dumbed down or patronizing.

it's for people who aren't very intuitive about what other people are thinking. and for people who are wrapped up in their own feelings. or people who feel disconnected from others and they don't know why.

mostly this volume is rooted in compassion and empathy. you know. similar, the golden dominion.

information technology's proficient to remember that rule. it makes life much easier to live in.

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Dec 30, 2013 Katrina Sark rated it did not like it

p.139 – When you say that your brother "actually pushes your buttons," it'southward because you felt that he knows how to elicit an automatic response from you. Your brother utters some familiar remark "guaranteed" t brand you lot angry, and – whoosh! – your feelings accept off down that old familiar path. Difficult as you might endeavor to change it, y'all cease upwardly feeling the same fashion you've e'er felt when those buttons get pushed. This explains why it's frequently so hard for people who've had hard relationships with par p.139 – When you say that your brother "really pushes your buttons," information technology's because you felt that he knows how to elicit an automatic response from you. Your blood brother utters some familiar remark "guaranteed" t make you lot angry, and – whoosh! – your feelings take off down that sometime familiar path. Hard as yous might try to alter information technology, you end up feeling the same way you've always felt when those buttons become pushed. This explains why it's ofttimes then difficult for people who've had difficult relationships with partners or siblings to improve those relationships. Family unit members get caught in patterns of emotional thought and behavior that were set early on and practiced over and over once again through childhood. ...more than

Nov 17, 2015 Alexandravang rated it it was amazing

I actually enjoyed this book mainly for the thought-provoking idea of "bidding", and the application of turning-towards, rather than turning-abroad, and turning against.

Gottman's research has helped me accost the effect of emotions, where in one case I was not sure or too uncomfortable to acknowledge, I can now be assured that it's not weird or weak to understand them, despite whether I've been taught to think of sure feelings positively or negatively.

In that location were some pages that were a struggle to read d

I really enjoyed this book mainly for the idea-provoking idea of "behest", and the application of turning-towards, rather than turning-away, and turning against.

Gottman'due south research has helped me address the issue of emotions, where once I was not sure or too uncomfortable to acknowledge, I can now be assured that it's non weird or weak to understand them, despite whether I've been taught to retrieve of certain feelings positively or negatively.

At that place were some pages that were a struggle to read due to my lack of interest, just all in all, a book that should exist read for those who are seeking to sympathise and strengthen all sorts of relationships.

...more

John Mordecai Gottman is an American psychological researcher and clinician who did extensive work over 4 decades on divorce prediction and marital stability. He is also an accolade-winning speaker, author, and a professor emeritus in psychology.

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